I guess you could say that my life’s a mess, but I’m still looking pretty in this dress.

It’s been a little while since I’ve updated and so much has went on I’m scared I’m going to forget half of the stuff that has actually happened… however, here’s a spoiler alert, you’re going to see in this one, how much I’ve realised I’m struggling..

I had decided I was going to stop everything with the guy from work, however he has carried on texting and as soon as he texts me, I want to text back. He definitely kissed me at work last week as well, I just wish my supervisor had seen – may seem like a strange wish but I have never wanted to punch someone so much in my life. We couldn’t even look at each other without her trying to send one of us out the room.

I miss the no complications in a relationship, I guess I miss him. I like to pretend I’m fine but at the moment it seems to be getting harder… not easier. I used to act like if I was without him the world would end. He use to make me think I’d never do any better than him, but to be with him he’d look down on who I was, who I used to be. So why I do still wish every so often that I was with him? Why do I miss the way he went on about things? I’ve seen on facebook that his band is doing incredibly well at the moment, and that annoys me. I don’t want to be the girl that says ‘That’s my ex boyfriend.’ Things just keep popping up about him and it’s irritating, it’s like I can’t let go. I’m still seeing the Giant and I was at his last night, he asked me to rub his back and stroke his head which is exactly what I used to do with my ex and the Giant did the exact same thing my ex used to do… he fell asleep, so I got freaked out and bolted. On my 30 minute drive home, I punched my steering wheel, very hard and I’ve woken up with a rather large and uncomfortable bruise on my hand. Luckily however I think it is fading, either that or I am getting used to it.

We are still talking though, and surprisingly even after Thursday night… Thursday night was a very good night, me and one of my best friends, her boyfriend and his mates all went out in town, we met up with the Giant for a few drinks and then head off our own seperate ways… which turned out to be the same club, we then decided I’d just stay at his house. We knew it was coming anyway. I love our arrangement, it is so casual and I have his attention when I want it. Anyway, I went and stayed at his and just as we were about to fall asleep I told him I liked him… I looked up at him and asked if he wanted to know a secret. He nodded and I said ‘You can’t tell anyone mind?’ He nodded again and I kept his gaze ‘I like you’. We’d been seeing eachother for a month and had ended up exactly where we were the first time, drunk and in his bed. He sighed at me… sighed, then he goes ‘I know.’
I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit dissappointed in the fact I’d made it that obvious, I thought I had been subtle about it. I turned around in a bit of a huff at myself, but also thought it’d be the best way to go about things, end the conversation. ‘Look at me’ I heard but refused to turn around. How embarrassing, telling this back I sound like a little child. ‘…look at me’. I turned around in the bed with the duvet still half over my face. ‘Do you know how many girls I’ve say with until 2 in the morning with and played Sonic The Hedgehog? I’ll give you 3 guesses and if you don’t get it on the first go, I’ll be highly surprised!’ I didn’t answer for a little while, I think it was almost an awkward silence. ‘Only me?’
‘Only you’. So there you go, I think that was his way of admitting he also liked me, however the sad news, or good news, however you want to look at it, is that we never spoke about it again.

This is not the end of this entry though… more has happened, I apologise.

To top it all off, I was out on Saturday night and talking to a friend. Drunken chit chat, he turns and says ‘Do you know how many people love you? You’re so beautiful, so friendly. Anyone you give your time to should be proud to call you their girlfriend. Your ex made the biggest mistake of his life throwing you away.’ How many times I’ve heard that, only this time I was drunk and two seconds away from calling my ex – like I said, I thought it was suppose to get easier, not harder? I didn’t call my ex, lets be proud of me! I did however call my friend from work, yes the one I was stopping everything with, I may have known he was also out. lets all judge me. Anyway, we all went and met up with him and his mates and my work friend and I may have went out for a tab and we may have taken 20 minutes or so… talking and possibly kissing. He may also have mentioned the L word… which I haven’t been able to stop thinking about and it has possibly freaked me out a little. I have all the power in the world to hurt him, which is what his girlfriend is going to want if she ever finds out all the shit that’s been going on. Just because I’ve been hurt does not mean I want someone else to feel it, although they do say misery loves company, I do finally understand what that means. I am going to say this though, although I don’t want to, I can guarantee if he feels this way now, there is no doubt in my mind that I will hurt him. I like him don’t get me wrong but I have a lot of issues that I need to sort out and that is going to take a long time.

Although I’m sure there are a few lessons to be learnt in these past few days, I haven’t taken time to study them yet. I will when they turn into my mistakes.

 Yours Truly,
Bambi,
x

Keep Moving Forward

I seem to have some serious issues at the moment.
Trust issues to be more exact. It’s as though I think as soon as I depend on someone as such, I expect they’re going to want to let go. I am downright refusing to get too close to anyone and if I do get close to anyone, I want to know I have still got the control in myself to back out of the relationship if it goes too far, without it hurting.
I am never going to get hurt by anyone, ever again.  

I think I’m going to back away from the boy I work with. Since everything kicked off between us it has got more and more complicated… what with his girlfriend showing up the last time and now I have a supervisor on my case telling me how much she wants him. It’s hard enough when he has a girlfriend but when he has a very open admirer who he continues to flirt with even though he says he doesn’t want to lead her on, it becomes a bit too much for me. I have slight paranoia that what he says to me he says the exact same things to her.
To be fair I should never have started anything anyway. I think I probably just liked the attention and the thought of his amazing body. I also believe that I love having something I’m not supposed to have, just like when my ex and I broke up the first time… his best mate and I really hit it off and I knew I couldn’t have him so I made it my personal goal to get him, and I got him.
Made things a little awkward when my ex and I got back together but I wanted my revenge I guess and I wanted him to hurt just as much as I did and besides, what better confident boost, if I could get his best friend, who couldn’t I get? I should really have learnt then, there is a reason I’m not allowed them.

And then, there is the Giant, the very friendly Giant. BFG.
What a guy. We arranged a ‘sleep over’ last night, we got a chinese, wine, DVDS, such a sophisticated life style. Just a casual night in, in his amazing flat. We cuddled as we watched the dvd, kissing every so often, it was so nice sitting there having his arm around me. He is just the sweetest person I’ve ever met. So interesting as well. Should I be feeling these sorts of feelings for a friends with benefits?
Am I totally going to be the typical girl who falls for him? NO.
I refuse to be hurt. Maybe I should stop it now before it goes too far. But… theres my answer, I don’t want to stop it.
Oh Shit…

To top it all off I have not stopped thinking about my ex all night. How much I just want to crawl in our old bed together and cuddle him, just to feel his triangular, skinny frame for one last time, rub his head and talk shit before falling asleep. I keep telling myself how happy I am but then I get nights like this when my mind runs to him and all I want to do is be with him. Probably didn’t help that I read all of our texts to each other a few nights a go. I’m going to stop writing about him now though ’cause it’s not going to help my process of getting over him.

In this blog entry we have a new rule… one I should have learnt a while a go.
Rule Number 4!
If he is your ex’s best friend… it’s probably best to stay away. If not for the obvious reasons then think about their relationship at least.
And an extra add of for this rule…
Don’t chase after someone who has a girlfriend already, no matter how unhappy they say they are in the relationship. If they were that bothered, they’d dump them and besides, how would you like it if someone was chasing your man?

Yours Truly,
Bambi
x

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward. Opening up new doors and doing new things because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” – Walt Disney. 

I wasn’t looking for this, but now you’re in my way.

I have had a rather eventful past few days, so eventful I don’t even know where to start.

I went out with the guy from work, you know, the one that has a girlfriend. We had a romantic walk along the beach when the sun was going down. (how cheesy right?) I’m not going to lie, it’s made things pretty weird at work, more so when his girlfriend turned up for the first time ever and just looked through the kitchen window for ten minutes.
He seems to think it’s because she knows that we’ve been texting a little and she wanted to come and see who I was or “check up on him.” I wish I hadn’t been wearing my name badge that day… and she is tall for an 18 year old. She is a lot taller than me, as in she could stamp on me and turn me into dust with her freakishly big feet but hey – who couldn’t?
Anyway he told me nothing could happen between us until he had ended things with his girlfriend, which isn’t going to be until June because she has exams and he doesn’t want to make this time harder than it already is as it’s not fair on her and not fair on me if we start a relationship on rocky terms.
I kind of respect him for that, and I guess, by June I’ll possibly be ready to get back into a relationship. I just can’t stop thinking about him, at work he gave me butterflies. Butterflies really?!

Last night I got really drunk and he sent me a text this morning saying ‘Did you mean what you said last night?’ Oh shit, what did I say? What did I say? Turns out it’s not as bad as we’re all thinking, I had just told him I had fallen for him, but my gosh he made me panic, of course I told him the truth, I was falling for him. I am falling for him. Maybe to make the situation easier I should have just lied: Alcohol does strange things to a girls mind, makes you feel all kinds of pathetic emotions. I wish I was that robotic in not feeling any emotions what so ever. I told someone that I was always going to take control of a relationship from now on and and it’s not even been a month and I’m getting butterflies. Absolutely ridiculous.
Unless this is just me wanting something I can’t have, what If I get him and realise I don’t actually want him, I just liked the idea of him? I hate not getting what I want – spoilt brat incoming. I’m kidding, there will be no tantrums here today.

I’m just going to carry on what I am doing for now, I told him; until he no longer has a girlfriend I’m not going to stop going out and seeing people, I’m not going to wait and turn into a nun while he goes about with his bird. I’m going to carry on seeing the Giant, he’s the guy I’ve been dating every so often. I call him a Giant ’cause he’s 6’4 and I’m not sure I’ve mentioned but I am only 5’2. I have to stand on a chair to kiss him… Please don’t laugh at this.
He genuinely is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever come across and best of all he understands our arrangement. Such as turning up at his 2am this morning after being at a club. Classy bird, me. Yet he came down and paid for the taxi and made me a cup of tea while I strolled around his amazing flat wearing only my tights and a shirt. The worst bit however, after having a little… rough and tumble in the bedroom we went into his bathroom while he had a cigarette (he’s not allowed to smoke in his flat) and I asked if I could go make myself some juice not even feeling drunk anymore.
I had a mouth full of orange juice – ONE mouthful – and two seconds later I was over his kitchen sink throwing up most of the nights alcohol and the soup I had for dinner… I didn’t even have time to move the sponge out of the sink…
I am so sorry, so sorry, oh my god, I am so sorry. “It’s fine” He said, rubbing my back and holding my hair. “The amount of times I’ve ‘spewed my ring” – his words not mine. He got me a towel, he got me some mouth wash and he got me into bed and popped his arm around me… after all of that, no sign of being disgusted in me, he just comforted me.
“Guessing you don’t want to see me after tonight?” I kind of half whispered, I could barely even look at him.
“If you want to see me, I’d happily see you again”.
Pretty sure he’s falling in love with me.
I’m kidding, that was rather big headed of me.

I was supposed to be going back to his tonight but I gave it a miss, I wasn’t feeling too grand and was a little embarrassed about the previous night/morning and not only that, we’ve seen each other for the past 3 days in a row, this is not a relationship! We both agreed not to see each other until next week now, we can’t get attached and that is fine by me. I just hope next time I’m a little more sober and have learnt not to throw up in someones sink… or if I do, I need to learn to take their sponge out first.

I will keep you updated,
Yours truly,
Bambi
x 

A Force to be Reckoned with.

Date actually happened yesterday everyone! My pessimistic self was wrong and the date actually went well!
We went to an aquarium along the coast, which was all lovely… until I realised I am totally freaked out by fish.
Why, oh why did I suggest an aquarium for our date? It was nice though, sweet in fact.

After we had finished watching the fish we went for a cup of tea and then back to his (get your heads out of the gutters please!)
We laughed, chatted, cuddled, kissed, it was like how a date should be. Full of fun and excitement, but feeling comfortable with someone as well. I still don’t feel like it’s going to go far if I’m honest, and I guess that’s what I like about it. He knows it, I know it. It’s strange, I never felt like I was my true self with my ex by the end of it, now I’ve got to the point where if someone doesn’t like who I am, they can leave, I’m not going to reserve myself for anyone any more. No one should have to do that. Lucky for me, this lad seems to like the way I go on so I never have to worry.

I am however in a slight predicament though, I flirt a lot with a guy at work. He’s one of the nicest guys you can come across, so sweet, such a charmer and my word what a body! We’ve been texting a lot and today and admitted he’s fancied me since we met. Sweet right? What’s the problem you ask? Not only is this guy a co-worker (who my boss has a massive crush on – please bare in mind she is 50 and a nasty piece of work) He has a girlfriend… It’s a shame because it could be a lot of fun, but I’m not entirely sure I can be that person. I’ve had it happen to me and it’s just not nice, I wanted to tear the girl apart limb by limb and I’d rather no one did that to me.

I just felt so low today, I just lay in bed once I got in from work and moped, then realised what I was doing and got out the house as quick as I could. So I drove, I went and drove past the airport where a friend and I used to sit and watch the planes and then I ended up near a friends house, who really cheered me up. It’s really a good job I have such good friends, we chatted for at least 3 hours and I think I worked out a lot of what I was feeling.
I don’t miss my ex, I miss someone being there. I think I’ve found this time a lot easier because I never really let my guard down fully for him again, maybe I would have eventually but I couldn’t trust him after the first time.
Breaking up with him was the best thing that could have happened to me, I’ve been told by a number of people how different I am without him, happier.
So this comes to rule number 3!

Rule Number 3.
If you can help it, try your very best not to get back together with your ex.
I know it’s tempting but if they’ve broken up with you once, they can do it again.
Give yourself time. You’ll realise why you weren’t meant for each other.
We’ll find someone who brings out the best in us.

Yours truly,
Bambi
x

Someone Like You

2 Weeks today and i’ve been on a date with someone already. Talk about a quick mover.
Do I feel a little guilty? Yes.
I have no idea why though. Moving on is exactly what I want to do and to get over someone you get on someone… so to speak.
This guy is nice and yes of course, my brain is automatically comparing him and my dreaded ex.
He’s funny, good looking and I feel great around him, not only that but we do have a lot in common, so yeah, I like him. I’m not going to lie to you all though, the things I have in common with him are the exact things I had in common with my ex… such as video games! xbox, playstation… whatever, I should probably stop using that sort of thing as a way to impress the boys – although it is foolproof.

Going out again tomorrow for a date or so I think I am, however my pessimistic self tells me otherwise. Apparently if he hasn’t text me since 6pm my brain freaks out and thinks he doesn’t care anymore. Why am I even bothered? Is it a confidence thing? I guess we’ll see tomorrow, sure he’s a nice guy and all and we do have a lot in common but it’s not as if I want to marry the lad. I just want someone to chat with and have a flirt with. A friend with benefits as such.

Besides all that, it is just a little creepy that somehow even on an extremely drunken night out I manage to scoop up someone who is so similar to he-who-shall-not-be-named (no, not voldermort.)
I can’t escape him. Can anyone escape a 2 year relationship after 2 weeks?
I highly doubt it but my god, I’m trying my best.

In other news, every night since we broke up I have dreams about my ex, without fail, and each time we get back together and things go back exactly how they were, the interesting part to this story however is that last night was the first time I’ve dreamt about him and we didn’t get back together. We sat down and spoke about it and we both agreed we were poison to each other. I was gutted in my dream but I woke up feeling almost relieved?
I do still love him, of course I do but I think this is the best thing we could have done. I’m a completely different person without him.

I’m sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom or anything funny to tell you all. I will keep you updated on the date (if it happens) and all the awkward moments that come with it.

Once again, wish me luck!

Yours truly,
Bambi
x

I am born again, out of the lion’s den.

Finally! Full closure, I dropped off all my ex’s things. What a relief that it’s done.
I hadn’t felt sick about it all day or anything… that was me lying, I cried my eyes out for most of the morning.
Luckily he wasn’t there, I picked a time when I knew he was at band practice, something he rarely fails to miss. Was easy enough to put on a brave face and smile while talking to his mum. We will keep in touch I’m sure. It got harder when she told me she had cried all weekend after we broke up and let me know that after I left that night, my ex was sobbing too. I think knowing she’s hurting or that my ex is crying hurts more than anything else.
It’s almost two weeks since we broke up though and I can’t carry on living in the past or thinking things will miraculously become better in an instant. So after I picked up my things I put on my best smile and went to stay over at my friends house.

I didn’t have to say anything when I got there, just being in someones company helps. Sharing a room with someone at nights takes the silence away and stops your mind from wandering. Having someones arm around you makes you forget everything.

To let you all know, I’ve been asked out on a date, this Wednesday coming, furthermore he’s asked if he can see me sooner (I must just be that much of a catch!) It’ll be interesting to see how it goes, he is a lovely man and we seem to have a lot in common but there is a slight part of me very critically comparing him to my ex.
Maybe I don’t want someone like my ex though. I don’t want someone like him. I need someone completely different. I guess this comes to my next rule, which I’m possibly finding more difficult than I’m letting on.

Rule 2

Go into everything with an open mind.
Don’t try and find your ex is somebody else’s skin.
Don’t jump into a relationship but have fun, go out on dates, be spoilt rotten.
You deserve it.

Yours truly,
Bambi
x

You probably think I’m still bitter, well you guessed right!

It’s just over a week now since my ex and I broke up. It’s been a strange week. An extremely long week.

There will be more to update in the next few days I should imagine due to the fact I’m handing his stuff back tomorrow. Something I’ve been dreading since day one.
To tell you the truth I hadn’t even realised it had been a week until this evening. It quickly just popped in my head and my stomach dropped to the ground. That’s what it felt like anyway, yet I have to say the feeling passed quite quickly. I keep expecting it all to sink in, I’ve lost my best friend and I don’t feel anything.

My sister said she saw him the other day and the first thing he asked was if I was okay. What a chap. It’s not like I’m communicating through his mum to get my stuff back or anything. It’s cool, I’ll do all the work while you chill out on the xbox. Pretty much the whole of our relationship was built on that anyway… Anyway, back to the point at hand, my sister asked how he was and he shrugged, apparently shrugging is an emotion now – good one pet. Tough shit if he’s feeling bad, I don’t know if he did that just for my benefit but if not, it was his fault anyway, what am I to do?
Don’t get me wrong, I care for him and would do anything for the boy and of course I worry about him but it is his fault we’ve broken up, not mine. (no bitterness in this paragraph at all…)

A few times this past week I’ve been having to call other people to stop myself from calling him, which comes to my first rule of a break up – which I learnt from the last time.

RULE ONE
NEVER hook up with an ex.
It only brings up unwanted feelings and hurts a lot when you have to walk away. So when you get the urge to send some sexy text about “catching up because no-one understands me like you do” DON’T. 
But… if you do, don’t put some awkward text winking face ’cause lets face it, that makes things creepy.

Of course I miss him and of course there are ups and down days, but it gets to a point in the relationship when enough is enough. It’s not fun, it’s work and no one wants that, no girl or boy should have to deal with that. If you’re having doubts about a relationship leave and don’t look back, it hurts you and them. Being on the receiving end of someone doubting your relationship for a second time sucks.
Don’t be that person.

On that note I apologise for this one being so serious and not so funny. I hope to bring words of wisdom and joy in the next few days.

Yours Truly,
Bambi
x

Back to Basics.

So, here I am! 21 and have recently ended a full time relationship. 2 and a half years down the plug hole and I’m taking it surprisingly well considering it was only a few days ago.

I have to be honest with you, I was slightly prepared for it as it had happened around 6 months ago, when we decided to take a months “break”. He told me he didn’t feel the way he used to and a month later we were back together all loved up, he said he had learnt his lesson, I was the only one he’d ever want. Letting me go was the biggest mistake he’d ever made.
Oh how the world was right again! NAAAAAAT!

However, there are no hard feelings, it was a mutual-ish decision and there is no one to blame… – apart from him – so I guess there is a little bit of hard feelings towards the situation.
I’m not writing this as a sob story by the way, I’m writing this because I’ve realised we (as girls) over think almost everything and from this break up I’ve noticed we are a lot different from boys.
A lot different.

As a newly single lady, I am going to write about the ups and downs of my single life. All the conquests, all the almost conquests and more importantly, all the failures.
I guess I’m ready to go back into the game, being away from it for two years will not be pretty and about as graceful as Bambi’s first time walking on ice (hence the name).

All I ask of you is to enjoy my journey and learn from it ’cause I’m bound to make a TON of mistakes.
One last thing… Wish me luck!

Yours truly,

Bambi
x