I guess you could say that my life’s a mess, but I’m still looking pretty in this dress.
It’s been a little while since I’ve updated and so much has went on I’m scared I’m going to forget half of the stuff that has actually happened… however, here’s a spoiler alert, you’re going to see in this one, how much I’ve realised I’m struggling..
I had decided I was going to stop everything with the guy from work, however he has carried on texting and as soon as he texts me, I want to text back. He definitely kissed me at work last week as well, I just wish my supervisor had seen – may seem like a strange wish but I have never wanted to punch someone so much in my life. We couldn’t even look at each other without her trying to send one of us out the room.
I miss the no complications in a relationship, I guess I miss him. I like to pretend I’m fine but at the moment it seems to be getting harder… not easier. I used to act like if I was without him the world would end. He use to make me think I’d never do any better than him, but to be with him he’d look down on who I was, who I used to be. So why I do still wish every so often that I was with him? Why do I miss the way he went on about things? I’ve seen on facebook that his band is doing incredibly well at the moment, and that annoys me. I don’t want to be the girl that says ‘That’s my ex boyfriend.’ Things just keep popping up about him and it’s irritating, it’s like I can’t let go. I’m still seeing the Giant and I was at his last night, he asked me to rub his back and stroke his head which is exactly what I used to do with my ex and the Giant did the exact same thing my ex used to do… he fell asleep, so I got freaked out and bolted. On my 30 minute drive home, I punched my steering wheel, very hard and I’ve woken up with a rather large and uncomfortable bruise on my hand. Luckily however I think it is fading, either that or I am getting used to it.
We are still talking though, and surprisingly even after Thursday night… Thursday night was a very good night, me and one of my best friends, her boyfriend and his mates all went out in town, we met up with the Giant for a few drinks and then head off our own seperate ways… which turned out to be the same club, we then decided I’d just stay at his house. We knew it was coming anyway. I love our arrangement, it is so casual and I have his attention when I want it. Anyway, I went and stayed at his and just as we were about to fall asleep I told him I liked him… I looked up at him and asked if he wanted to know a secret. He nodded and I said ‘You can’t tell anyone mind?’ He nodded again and I kept his gaze ‘I like you’. We’d been seeing eachother for a month and had ended up exactly where we were the first time, drunk and in his bed. He sighed at me… sighed, then he goes ‘I know.’
I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit dissappointed in the fact I’d made it that obvious, I thought I had been subtle about it. I turned around in a bit of a huff at myself, but also thought it’d be the best way to go about things, end the conversation. ‘Look at me’ I heard but refused to turn around. How embarrassing, telling this back I sound like a little child. ‘…look at me’. I turned around in the bed with the duvet still half over my face. ‘Do you know how many girls I’ve say with until 2 in the morning with and played Sonic The Hedgehog? I’ll give you 3 guesses and if you don’t get it on the first go, I’ll be highly surprised!’ I didn’t answer for a little while, I think it was almost an awkward silence. ‘Only me?’
‘Only you’. So there you go, I think that was his way of admitting he also liked me, however the sad news, or good news, however you want to look at it, is that we never spoke about it again.
This is not the end of this entry though… more has happened, I apologise.
To top it all off, I was out on Saturday night and talking to a friend. Drunken chit chat, he turns and says ‘Do you know how many people love you? You’re so beautiful, so friendly. Anyone you give your time to should be proud to call you their girlfriend. Your ex made the biggest mistake of his life throwing you away.’ How many times I’ve heard that, only this time I was drunk and two seconds away from calling my ex – like I said, I thought it was suppose to get easier, not harder? I didn’t call my ex, lets be proud of me! I did however call my friend from work, yes the one I was stopping everything with, I may have known he was also out. lets all judge me. Anyway, we all went and met up with him and his mates and my work friend and I may have went out for a tab and we may have taken 20 minutes or so… talking and possibly kissing. He may also have mentioned the L word… which I haven’t been able to stop thinking about and it has possibly freaked me out a little. I have all the power in the world to hurt him, which is what his girlfriend is going to want if she ever finds out all the shit that’s been going on. Just because I’ve been hurt does not mean I want someone else to feel it, although they do say misery loves company, I do finally understand what that means. I am going to say this though, although I don’t want to, I can guarantee if he feels this way now, there is no doubt in my mind that I will hurt him. I like him don’t get me wrong but I have a lot of issues that I need to sort out and that is going to take a long time.
Although I’m sure there are a few lessons to be learnt in these past few days, I haven’t taken time to study them yet. I will when they turn into my mistakes.